Saturday, November 26, 2011

I don't plan to blog about the miscarriage forever, but I do plan to be honest about how I feel.  To find peace in what God's teaching me.  There is no other source of peace that I can find and believe me, I've been looking.

Everything I have, everything I do, everything I am  is a miraculous gift from Him.  I have no claim on how blessed my life is, except that I get to live in the blessings.

When God first really opened my heart to this, it didn't ease the pain of the blow I'd received.  Really, God?  First this, and now you're telling me even what I have isn't mine?!?!?  JERK!  But the more I walked that out, the more freedom I felt. The more freedom I'm learning to feel.

In early August TJ and I walked smack dab into the worst day in our lives so far.  The doctor's appointment that was supposed to be full of excitement and anticipation went downhill in an instant when we asked our OB nurse if we could get a quick ultrasound to see how far along we were.   Turns out we weren't... anymore.   There was no itty bitty baby heartbeat where they had once been.   There is nothing, NOTHING, that can prepare you for the feelings you have when you find out you've had a miscarriage.  And honestly, no one EVER talks about it.  Maybe because the words aren't ever enough, they never do justice to the pain, to the heartache, to the self-betrayal you feel.

We seriously had no idea what to do.  We left the office and went to the mall for some odd reason.  We walked around in a daze, bought some unnecessary items, and went home.  Zombies. Walking dead. That's exactly how I felt.  With no signs or symptoms, I had a dead baby inside of me.  How the %^(%# did this happen?  Just the night before Faith had prayed and asked God for a baby with no prompting from me at all.  One of my very close friends had confided in me that God had given her a picture of me pregnant.

In the two days between our doctor's appointment and the procedure I felt "un alive,"  not dead, just not alive. Three days later a coworker told me she was pregnant within weeks of our baby.  Not even a week later my close friend (the same one as above) miscarried.  Everything I thought about how God works was in question. I hated myself and my body for not doing what it was made to do.  People bring food to your house like there's been a funeral, which is kind and stinging at the same time.  I was so sick of people giving me sad faces, of people rubbing my arm and telling me it was going to be alright.  I told TJ that if one more nurse gave me the "poor you" look I was going to punch them.  And I was NOT kidding.

But God continued to speak to me in those dark places.  He told (and tells me, still) that everything good is a huge present from him.  And that nothing I do has anything really to do with me, but His goodness, His grace, His unending Daddy love that wants a heaven-on-earth life for us. At first I kinda took offense the whole notion because I felt like if was playing "backsies" with me He obviously breaking the freaking rules of gift giving.  But then God began re-revealing truths to me about himself.  That he takes ashes and turns them into beauty.  That only he can take sorrow and turn it into joy.  That only God can take my inferior ideas and plans for my own life and turn them into TJ and Faith and our friends and family.

I don't know that I'm getting over the miscarriage at all. I still think about it every. single. day.  When Faith sees a baby and asks if it needs a big sister it crushes me.  Just today she told me that when she's a big sister she will take care of the baby and push them around in the cart at the store; crying in Lowes isn't on my bucket list, but there I was.  I'm just trying to not let Satan have the last laugh.  He comes to kill, steal, and destroy.  God wasn't playing backsies, but He promises to take Satan's most cruel plans and come back with something Satan can even fathom.  I feel like a little kid getting antsy waiting for a parade to start- for God to come down the street with His big booming band and to stop in front of me with some amazingness that's going to knock Satan's socks off.  It might not happen that way, but however it does I can't wait to laugh in Satan's face.

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