Saturday, November 5, 2011

Perpetual Treadmill

Sometimes you've gotta put your past behind ya, right?

This past season of my life has been a painful one.  The entire summer was a blur, a horrible blur.  My family imploded one sibling at a time.  I could go through the gory details, but it would be one heck of a long blog.   It ended with a miscarriage of TJ and my's second baby.   We told almost nobody when it happened and haven't told many people since.  Not even all my siblings know because their lives are too crazy right now to add that pain to.   (If you know them, PLEASE respect my sincerest plea to not pass this along to them. I will tell them when I'm ready. Thank you so much.)  And saying that it ended with the miscarriage would be a lie- that is where it really all began.  To go downhill, that is.  
Everyday it feels like God is shoving round-bellied women down my throat.  I feel like I'm bumping into them, stepping around them, crawling over them everywhere I turn.  It is an emotional roller coaster every day- I'm happy for them, jealous of them, sad I'm not them, guilty for being jealous of them, sad that I'm selfishly thinking of me instead of them, etc. It's hard for me to rest in the peace that God cares for His children right now.  I know He does, but it's just hard.  Because sometimes God feels like love.  And sometimes He doesn't.  But that doesn't change the fact that He IS love.
The only way to describe how I feel is like being stuck on a treadmill that is going just a few paces ahead of where I am.  And it won't stop.  So I can't stop.  And I'm sweating and doubting and running and crying and making dinner and teaching and cleaning and... but it's still not stopping.  So I'm still not stopping. 
God, either please make it stop soon or pick up my pace a little.  Because I'm dying here. 


  1. Oh honey. Big, huge, squishy hugs to you. I will keep you in my thoughts and pray for you. I love you.

  2. I'm so sorry Amanda. I will keep you in my prayers.

  3. Oh, Amanda! Hang in there. God will work it out in His time and you will understand better or more or something ... but it feels like forever and a day getting to that point, and even now after 3 miscarriages more than 10 years ago, in some moments I don't think I've arrived at the point yet.

    Some days will be harder than others, but He will carry you through, of this I have no doubt, even when it doesn't feel like He is carrying you--He really is! You are far more faithful and far stronger than you give yourself credit for or even realize. You will hurt, but the hurting in the end helps you appreciate your blessings more (and that's coming from someone with depression, which amounts to a lot of hurting). Every once in awhile, I will still look at Hannah & Lizzi and remember the tears we went through to get them, and how blessed we felt when they arrived safely (and yes, all the others, too). And every time, I remember what a gift they are. You will hug your babies tighter and hold your husband closer, even after many years. That's not much comfort now, but it will become an enormous strength to you and your family as time presses on.

    Please remember how very much you are loved and looked after and thought about and prayed for. Hugs from Georgia. And you know where to find me if you need me, right?


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