This past season of my life has been a painful one. The entire summer was a blur, a horrible blur. My family imploded one sibling at a time. I could go through the gory details, but it would be one heck of a long blog. It ended with a miscarriage of TJ and my's second baby. We told almost nobody when it happened and haven't told many people since. Not even all my siblings know because their lives are too crazy right now to add that pain to. (If you know them, PLEASE respect my sincerest plea to not pass this along to them. I will tell them when I'm ready. Thank you so much.) And saying that it ended with the miscarriage would be a lie- that is where it really all began. To go downhill, that is.
Everyday it feels like God is shoving round-bellied women down my throat. I feel like I'm bumping into them, stepping around them, crawling over them everywhere I turn. It is an emotional roller coaster every day- I'm happy for them, jealous of them, sad I'm not them, guilty for being jealous of them, sad that I'm selfishly thinking of me instead of them, etc. It's hard for me to rest in the peace that God cares for His children right now. I know He does, but it's just hard. Because sometimes God feels like love. And sometimes He doesn't. But that doesn't change the fact that He IS love.
The only way to describe how I feel is like being stuck on a treadmill that is going just a few paces ahead of where I am. And it won't stop. So I can't stop. And I'm sweating and doubting and running and crying and making dinner and teaching and cleaning and... but it's still not stopping. So I'm still not stopping.
God, either please make it stop soon or pick up my pace a little. Because I'm dying here.