Judy, Judy, Judy. Little, spunky, smile on her face at 8am Saturday morning Judy. I want to hug her and kick her in the shins weekly. Judy is my WW leader. (Please don't laugh at the fact that I go to a chubby kid class.) And she has a little saying she likes to say. "You'll always prove yourself right." Which means that if you believe something you WILL make that thing happen, because people don't want to prove themselves wrong. And I fell right into this little trap, oh, about a month ago. When I just HAD to "take a break" from Weight Watchers. And I'm pretty sure I blogged about it a few weeks ago, about how I was okay with a little bit of a weight gain.
Let's go back a little and unpack this little journey to what I like to call, weight loss hell. 1)A friend that I was going with quit. Having started out around the same weight as me, lost 1/3 as much as me, and having not stuck to the plan, she quit. I wasn't really bothered by her stopping, at all. What bothered me was that having all those things into play, she still wears a jean size (or two depending on the brand) smaller than me. Grrr. 2)I was/am really bothered by the fact that I won't stick to a workout plan. Quitter pants is what I like to call myself. 3)TJ, in an attempt to compliment me, told me I "used to be fat." He was honestly being nice to me, his intent was pure, but it cut me for some reason. Like a hangnail that burns. I'm not upset with him about it, it just hurt my feelings. 4)But the big thing that really sent me to the hot place was getting into a bracket of weight that I haven't been for a LOOOOOONG time. Maybe high school. I know, right? Why in the name of all things holy would making a goal weight make me want to quit?!?!?!?!?
Now remember, Judy says, "you'll always prove yourself right." I think that is what I was doing. When you've always thought of yourself as overweight, been called overweight, and have been overweight, that is your identity. Hitting a major goal like I did freaked me out. My identity is beginning to change and I am having a hard time with the paradigm shift.
So last week I weighed in for the first time since the end of January. And SURPRISE- I had gained back 5 of the hardest pounds I had gotten rid of. The spew of curse words that went through my mind would've made my Uncle Lloyd blush because it was ONLY THEN that I realized what I had done to myself. Instead of using the circumstances I found myself in to motivate me, I used my self image to sabotage myself. Grrr. Annoying and embarassing, really.
I lost 1.6 of what I had gained back, which means, I still have 3.4 to lose before I'm back to where I was when I had my little emotional fall apart. I will get back there. I will go past it. I will be pissed if I don't reach my goals, not be okay because I expected to be a failure. I will find a workout plan and stick with it because its good for me, not stop jogging when I know I can push through just because that's what I did last time. And I will change the image I have of myself. From overweight girl to woman. mother. wife. friend. teacher. With no adjective in front of it that describes my physical appearance.