Ya know what's hard?
When people that taught you to believe something don't even belive it anymore.
When people you want God's best for pick the slop for themselves.
When you sabotage your own success.
When you can only find one person to look up to.
When you fail someone and can't take it back.
When you are put in a situation and don't know how to react.
When you try to give the small pearls of wisdom you do have to someone and they won't accept it.
When you see people you love fall and they won't grab onto Jesus for their, or anyone else's, sake.
When you lose your patience with your child.
When you can't help someone anymore.
When you lose passion for what's important.
When you're discontent and know it's your own choosing.
When you have be go on living life and you just want to take one day out and cry and mourn, but you just can't. Not today, not tomorrow. There's too much to do.
Welcome to my November, December, and January. These months are always particularly hard for me. I fight those old feelings of depression that are my constant frenemy. This past season has been particularly hard. It seems like I get one batch of bad news that sends me reeling. And just as I recover from the shock I get a baseball bat to the knees. And it wouldn't be so bad if it was just people in the news or people I work with. But its not, its people I love. People I would sacrifice anything for. People who honestly don't really even care if I exist, if they hurt me, and don't think of me as someone of consequence in their life. I wish I wasn't a non-existent member of their lives. For once, when they made a decision, I wish for just one split second they would think about me, how its going to affect me. I know that sounds so selfish, but don't they know that I think about how my decisions will affect them? I do, I promise. I wonder how they would feel if I made the choices they did. Would they be shocked, hurt, or indifferent to the fact that I'm hurting myself, them, and their family members? Or would it not hurt them, would they not care at all?
I wish these past few months would just go away. I wish I didn't feel and look like I've aged 10 years. I wish I could be someone they care about. But I can't make that decision for them. That seems to be one of the hardest parts. That they will probably never choose that and that I have to learn to be okay with that. But I don't know how to be okay with that.