Be still

A woman of few words, I am not.  I will never be labeled as quiet, subdued, meek, or mild.   It’s hard for me to stop and breathe and think.  Partially because that’s just how I am and partially because it gives me time to think about what’s most important and my shortcomings.   And honestly I keep myself busy under the guise of the first so that I can get through my day without having to do the second.  It’s much easier during the school year because I am slammed every minute I’m awake, but the summer always gets me.

Today has been a typical day in the Aragon life.  TJ’s at work and I’m flying solo with the kids.  (Yes, we have two. And yes, I’m fully aware I’ve said little about the smallest. Maybe if I blogged more than once a month…)  I’ve been a whirling dervish, spinning around the house just “needing to get things done.”  I’ve cooked and cleaned and folded and typed and now it’s late at night and I’ve got nothing to show for it except remorse for the day.  Did I spend enough time with Faith?  Did I make Silas wait to long to pick him up when he was screaming at me with his pterodactyl yell?  Was I too stern with Faith this evening even though she needed to learn the lesson?  When I was laying Si down for bed I felt like I hadn’t loved on him enough today…  Then the real question come through- Did I spend time with Jesus today?  Did I wait to long to attend to His voice?  Did I ignore His signs, His words, His actions today? 

Be still and know that I am God.

And I sit down to dive into the Word and I immediately want someone to teach me instead of reading Jesus’ teachings.  There must be a youtube sermon or an app devotion or mother’s devotion blog.  I mean, I need to fill this quiet space with noise, words, Ann Voskamp’s background music and photography.

I spend my entire alone time trying to download something ridiculous to my Kindle and then Faith’s wake and Silas is crying in his crib and I’m still here- empty-souled and full of noise.

Be still and know that I am God. 

And I feel like I am an Israelite, walking around in the desert on my accord, praying for God to meet my needs then complaining about the heavenly bread.  We talk about them and how stupid they were, but I’ve been here for what feels like 40 years and the Promised Land isn’t the church of my dreams of the Bible Study that is going to lead me to be a better Christian/mom/wife.  It’s the actual Bible, but I won’t pick it up and eat it.  Devour it.  I won’t drink the water from the Rock, yet I complain that I’m parched.

Be still and know that I am God.

I know these are the things God is revealing to me, in just the few minutes I’ve been still tonight and listened.  And I’m tired of the sand between my toes and in my lungs and on my face.  And I just need to be still.