Wednesday, June 27, 2012


When I'm pregnant I have few cravings, but I always start crunching ice again with a vengeance.  It is, quite possibly, one of the most annoying habits on the planet.  Just ask TJ.  I feel like the more I crunch, the more I wanna crunch.  Its a vicious, loud, annoying cycle.
But isn't that just how cravings are? The more you give in to the whatever it is you crave, the more of it you want, NEED, HAVE TO HAVE RIGHT NOW!  Maybe it's just me, but I've never been the type to eat just one cookie, have one spoon full of ice cream, get one chip out of the bag and be done with it.  If I want fries, I want an XL.  If I don't get a RT. 44 I feel that I'm missing out on something.
This book I've been reading (ya know, the life changing one) has left me craving more of what it has to offer.  I've read this book through twice now and some chapters three or four times.  I just feel like I need to read, need to remember, need to focus on what it has to say.  Its nice because I don't get the feeling that I do after eating a giant bowl of ice cream (for the second time in a day...ahem), I get a feeling that I'm doing exactly what God wants me to do. That I'm right where He wants me to be. That I'm right in the middle of a downpour of his love and affection and that's what I need more of.  That's what I'll never quit craving.  Because let's all just be honest for a minute- we all think we know what we need to make our lives how we think they should be, but what we really need is to focus in on what God KNOWS WE NEED to make that happen.  
I have wearied myself too long (for almost four years now) trying to figure out what God is trying to do in my life and trying to make a way where He wasn't.  It the end of all of my trying, I still find myself struggling with my identity, my self worth, and just living the normal day to day life.  I've found that doing those things has created a cynical and negative spirit in me.  Can anyone else relate to that?  I've finally resolved that I don't need to get God all figured out and try to decipher his mysteries, I just need to relish in what I do know about Him and trust the goodness of who He is. By focusing on God's goodness, that's what I crave- more of His goodness.  And now it feels more like the feeling of when you're working out hardcore and you know it's gonna be an hour of hard work, but you wanna do it anyway?  That's a dang good feeling to have! 
So that's where I am today.  Honest as I can be.  

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