She Gets That From Me

We had a great day planned.  We both got our hair done and then were off to Chick-Fil-A and the splash pad.  When we pulled up to the drive thru Faith saw a little girl with a cute little sun dress on.  I should back up a minute and say that lately Faith is obsessed with dresses and getting to pick hers out and wearing the EXACT one she wants when she wants.  So anyway, when Faith saw the girl she commented, "Look moma.  That girl has such a cute dress on."  I glanced that way,  agreed with her, and thought nothing more of it.  Then I hear a sad, quiet voice from the back seat say, "And I look ridiculous."  At first I thought I misunderstood what she said so I asked her to repeat herself.  So she said it again.  "I look ridiculous."  Then I thought she must not know what that means, but when I asked here she said, "Mom, it means silly.  I don't like this dress anymore."  

I. was. crushed.  How can my beautiful three year old already feel like she doesn't measure up?  How can she feel like someone else is more beautiful than she is?  I stopped the car in the drive thru, much to the chagrin of the ten cars behind me, and looked her straight in the eyes.  "Faith, you do not look ridiculous. You look beautiful.  You ARE beautiful."  It stuck with me all day. And I cried when I was telling TJ that our little firecracker of a daughter didn't think SHE was enough.  

Then today I was getting ready to go eat lunch with friends and was having a hell of time trying to dress this pregnant body of mine.  Faith kept coming in telling me I looked pretty and as soon as she would leave I would spout off self criticism and change into outfit #788290.  I was so disgusted with myself and how ridiculous I looked.  Wait. Did you catch it?  I felt ridiculous.  I said out loud that I wasn't enough.  I DID THAT. SHE GETS THAT FROM ME.  Talk about a kick in the teeth.  

So to all the moms out there (all three of you that read my blog): let's just give ourselves a break.  And by doing that, give ourselves and our daughters the freedom to be imperfect, human women with differences that don't equal flaws, but differences that equal individuality.  

Cravings

When I'm pregnant I have few cravings, but I always start crunching ice again with a vengeance.  It is, quite possibly, one of the most annoying habits on the planet.  Just ask TJ.  I feel like the more I crunch, the more I wanna crunch.  Its a vicious, loud, annoying cycle.

But isn't that just how cravings are? The more you give in to the whatever it is you crave, the more of it you want, NEED, HAVE TO HAVE RIGHT NOW!  Maybe it's just me, but I've never been the type to eat just one cookie, have one spoon full of ice cream, get one chip out of the bag and be done with it.  If I want fries, I want an XL.  If I don't get a RT. 44 I feel that I'm missing out on something.

This book I've been reading (ya know, the life changing one) has left me craving more of what it has to offer.  I've read this book through twice now and some chapters three or four times.  I just feel like I need to read, need to remember, need to focus on what it has to say.  Its nice because I don't get the feeling that I do after eating a giant bowl of ice cream (for the second time in a day...ahem), I get a feeling that I'm doing exactly what God wants me to do. That I'm right where He wants me to be. That I'm right in the middle of a downpour of his love and affection and that's what I need more of.  That's what I'll never quit craving.  Because let's all just be honest for a minute- we all think we know what we need to make our lives how we think they should be, but what we really need is to focus in on what God KNOWS WE NEED to make that happen.  

I have wearied myself too long (for almost four years now) trying to figure out what God is trying to do in my life and trying to make a way where He wasn't.  It the end of all of my trying, I still find myself struggling with my identity, my self worth, and just living the normal day to day life.  I've found that doing those things has created a cynical and negative spirit in me.  Can anyone else relate to that?  I've finally resolved that I don't need to get God all figured out and try to decipher his mysteries, I just need to relish in what I do know about Him and trust the goodness of who He is. By focusing on God's goodness, that's what I crave- more of His goodness.  And now it feels more like the feeling of when you're working out hardcore and you know it's gonna be an hour of hard work, but you wanna do it anyway?  That's a dang good feeling to have! 

So that's where I am today.  Honest as I can be.  

This week...

1. Faith felt the baby move for the first time. And now she tries to get him to move by baby talking at my stomach.

2. Aforementioned stomach is getting bigger and huge-er and gargantuan even though I have 17 weeks left and I'm scared, people. Scared that come mid-October I'm going to be one of those pregnant women that you shudder at when you walk past. And don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about, either. 

3. We went downtown the day of the first NBA finals game.  TJ bought all three of us Thunder t-shirts and I honestly feel guilty to wear it because I care so little about basketball.

4. We got to spend several days this week with all three of us and had lots of fun. But we got Faith's nap scheduled screwed up and paid for it dearly today.  I was washing dishes and TJ was researching on the computer and somehow she snuck out of her room into the bathroom, got a bunch of creams and rubbed them all over her window.  I honestly have no idea how TJ didn't see or hear her; he must've been in the zone.  She is such a little raccoon these days- I thought she was too old for that.  Apparently three is the perfect age to drive your parents crazy! 

5. My niece came down to see us and we made bleached-out shirts.  They are really easy and would be a fun craft to do while hanging out with friends.  Of course, we stole the idea off of a blog because who had original ideas these days.  (I'm sure there are a million tutorials- I used Ashley Ann's Under the Sycamore blog.) This is my niece and she made a hunger games shirt.  My mom made a super cool Thunder shirt (she actually is a fan, unlike me), but I don't have a picture of hers.

6. I am a member of a book club.  One that I actually attend and talk at.  Crazy things are happening around here, people. Do any of you remember when my new year's resolution was to read more. Yeah, I kicked that resolution's arse!

7. I am reading a life changing book right now.  More soon, promise.

8. I chickened out of the Color Me Rad 5K for this summer because a)I'm going to be ugly pregnant and b)I don't want to walk my first 5K.  

9. Faith had her first dentist appointment and rocked it out!  No cavities and the dentist and her assistant said she did the best of any child they've ever seen.  We have been talking up "Dr. Robin" (I'm sure she appreciates us calling her by her first name) at our house for some time now and we were both SUPER proud of her when we left.  I wanted to reward her with ice cream, but then decided that might actually be counterproductive. Also, I realized, I just wanted ice cream and it probably had nothing to do with her dentist visit. 

10. Monday after getting home from MDO we realized Faith had left her blanket at school.  Her teacher lives right down the road from us and dropped it off at our house.  Don't you just love small towns?!?! I do!
11. Had dinner and time with my best, most wonderful friend, Corrie.  With her I just feel at home.  

PRAISE- PRAISE-PRAISE
TJ and I have just been sick about what to do with Faith and her school situation I blogged about recently.  We checked into other places around town, but nothing seemed to feel right or were too expensive for us right now.  Bummer.  Faith went to school last week and came home and told us she didn't play with anyone all day because none of her friends were there.  (Apparently several families left when they found out her teacher might not be returning.)  We were super-bummed and were struggling with what to do about the whole situation, BUT we got to school on Monday and Faith and her little friend ran to each other and just loved on each other.  So sweet and her moma told us that her daughter had done the same thing when we were out of town. So she does have friends there are named a few more to me that afternoon. THEN, and this is the big one,  we found out this week that her teacher IS COMING BACK IN THE FALL! Thank you, Jesus!  She saw TJ's sister at the Post Office (other reason I love living in our small town) and told her to tell us she is coming back!  God seriously answered some major prayers with that one and we are so thankful.  We love Ms. Andrea!