Tuesday, September 21, 2010
There's this song called "40 Weight" by The Violet Burning. It echoes Lord, my cup is empty. Won't you come down and fill me up. If I wasn't in a house where I am the only one awake I would scream this right now. I feel like my low fuel light has been on for miles and I'm hoping I'll make it to the gas station before I end up on the side of the road. I can't pinpoint one specific, huge thing; I can pinpoint at least 5 specific, huge things. Its odd because I've been spending more time with Father than usual so you would think I would be full to the brim. And what's beyond understandable to me is that if you asked me last week how I was feeling I would have said I'm in an extreme season of joy. I just can't seem to shake the feeling of overwhelm-ment. I feel like I need to hire a cheerleader to walk behind me and encourage me all day. Sick- the flesh speaking in that is ugly. And what an unrealistic expectation for me to have about my day. That I can only be joyful if someone is encouraging my every move. Yuck, yuck, yuck.
Today was so eye opening to me. I ate a donut for breakfast. I haven't had a donut for breakfast in forever. I just didn't care this morning. I wanted the ding dang donut and I was going to have it come hell or high water. Work was hard. I've had a difficult time connecting basic ideas in meaningful ways to my students this and last week. I came home from a less than fufilling day of work to a dirty house. Through the garage to the laundry room- piles of clothes. Into the kitchen- piles of dishes. Turn to the living room- piles of toys. Bedroom- more piles of clothes. Grrr. I have to get dinner done, play with Faith (who is napping, by the way because of a late trip to her grandma's I knew nothing about), get ready for school tomorrow, workout and get to d-group by 8pm. Ha! I was feeling more than overwhelmed. I feel justified in that being an okay feeling to have. Even Superwoman must feel at times like she wants to get all the dirty laundry, throw it in the dumpster and start over. I mean, I do have some friends that seem like they never tire or are exhausted by those things, but they must drink more caffeine than even me to come off that way.
And what do I do? Get my keys, get in the car, and go get a Diet Dr. Pepper! Whaaaaaa? Ask I'm pulling out of the store I just about lost it. I figuratively, (and literally, ha) was filling my cup with something other than the Lord. When I needed God to put strength in me I rushed to find something tangible to make me feel better. When I needed to find stillness and resolve I made myself busy with passing things. And I still feel overwhelmed.
God, please fill my cup with you. Take away my human nature that yearns for a person or thing to make me feel better. God- my only strength is in you. Lord my cup is empty. Won't you come down and fill me up.