40 Weight

There's this song called "40 Weight" by The Violet Burning. It echoes Lord, my cup is empty. Won't you come down and fill me up. If I wasn't in a house where I am the only one awake I would scream this right now. I feel like my low fuel light has been on for miles and I'm hoping I'll make it to the gas station before I end up on the side of the road. I can't pinpoint one specific, huge thing; I can pinpoint at least 5 specific, huge things. Its odd because I've been spending more time with Father than usual so you would think I would be full to the brim. And what's beyond understandable to me is that if you asked me last week how I was feeling I would have said I'm in an extreme season of joy. I just can't seem to shake the feeling of overwhelm-ment. I feel like I need to hire a cheerleader to walk behind me and encourage me all day. Sick- the flesh speaking in that is ugly. And what an unrealistic expectation for me to have about my day. That I can only be joyful if someone is encouraging my every move. Yuck, yuck, yuck.


Today was so eye opening to me. I ate a donut for breakfast. I haven't had a donut for breakfast in forever. I just didn't care this morning. I wanted the ding dang donut and I was going to have it come hell or high water. Work was hard. I've had a difficult time connecting basic ideas in meaningful ways to my students this and last week. I came home from a less than fufilling day of work to a dirty house. Through the garage to the laundry room- piles of clothes. Into the kitchen- piles of dishes. Turn to the living room- piles of toys. Bedroom- more piles of clothes. Grrr. I have to get dinner done, play with Faith (who is napping, by the way because of a late trip to her grandma's I knew nothing about), get ready for school tomorrow, workout and get to d-group by 8pm. Ha! I was feeling more than overwhelmed. I feel justified in that being an okay feeling to have. Even Superwoman must feel at times like she wants to get all the dirty laundry, throw it in the dumpster and start over. I mean, I do have some friends that seem like they never tire or are exhausted by those things, but they must drink more caffeine than even me to come off that way.

And what do I do? Get my keys, get in the car, and go get a Diet Dr. Pepper! Whaaaaaa? Ask I'm pulling out of the store I just about lost it. I figuratively, (and literally, ha) was filling my cup with something other than the Lord. When I needed God to put strength in me I rushed to find something tangible to make me feel better. When I needed to find stillness and resolve I made myself busy with passing things. And I still feel overwhelmed.

God, please fill my cup with you. Take away my human nature that yearns for a person or thing to make me feel better. God- my only strength is in you. Lord my cup is empty. Won't you come down and fill me up.

My First Love

Before TJ.

Before chocolate. 

Before Diet Dr. Pepper. 

Before Jesus came into my wittle bitty heart. 

There was football. 

Football was the first thing I loved enough to learn anything about. I watched games when I was little and asked so many questions my parents bought me an official rule book for the NFL for my 10th birthday.  I studied that manual so I would know exactly what each penalty meant and how much it was worth in each situation. Play formations, positions, etc.  I knew more than your average bear.

Then I met TJ.  And he loved football. He WAS football, for heaven's sake.  I wore a t-shirt for the majority of my junior high career that said "Be nice to animals.  Kiss a football player."  with the words "I AM" written in Sharpie at the top.  I spent every Thursday night at Noble High School stadium watching the 7th, 8th, and 9th grade games.  Fridays was reserved for HS ball- we traveled with church friends to each away game- and watching my sister march in the colorguard.  When we got into 9th grade TJ started playing JV and HS ball so he played in 3 games a week- Mondays, Thursdays, and Friday.  During the summer it was traveling to watch him play in summer league, (which is bore-o, snore-o, by the way.) TJ was good- way good.  And is still one of the fastest white boys I know. :)

We were sure TJ would play college ball.  He started getting letters EARLY and it was really exciting.  He blew out his knew our senior year and THAT WAS THE END OF THAT.  It changed our plans fast.  I know that you're thinking "our plans?"  But remember, we knew we would get married early so we had a loose plan of what our lives would look like.  There was no way TJ could have surgery, rehab his knee, and get enough playing time for colleges to invest in him. 

Future plans changed, but there was still football in other ways.  OU was rockin'.  TJ and I had sideline passes to TONS of OU games through an awesome church friend.  We literally got to stand on the sidelines, feet touching the endzone for tons of games.  We took this picture.  I think its one of AD's first touchdown celebrations. My favorite part is the Oregon player walking away in shame.

Then you have MNF.  A tradition at our house.  We settle in each Monday night to cuddle and watch guys hurt each other while Hank Jr. screams at you in sing-song.

I probably wouldn't say "Football is life- the rest is just details,"  but I would say football is one of the major details. 

And Brett Favre's face doesn't hurt either.

Resolution Check - September Style

1. Guests at the house- We have A LOT of our family over for the first OU game.  My sister and my neice came and spent Labor Day weekend with us too!  Faith was so cute with all our family.  She only remembers some of their names so she just calls them whatever one she can remember at the time.  My sister Heather was walking down the hall and Faith was posed in a stance yelling, "She-uh!  Nomie!  Emmy!  Shea!"  If you don't speak Perkins that's "Sheila! Nonnie! Emily! Shea!" 

But by far her favorite is Un John!  She loves that guy- maybe because he dotes over her every minute he's with her.  They're also birthday buddies and have matching eyes!  I SWEAR she belongs to TJ though, she's got his attitude.

2. Guitar- School started.  Enough said. I couldn't even tell you where my guitar is right now.  I think our closet.

3. Weight-  I have great news for all of you who don't care about my weight.  I am losing weight.  So you don't have to hear my whine like a baby anymore about the plight of the chubby girl.  I don't want to reveal my plan just yet, but its working.

4. Blog- Done and done.

5. Camera- trying, but its such a bitty of a camera.

6. Lesson Plans- 4 weeks in and we're still going strong. 

7. Garden- Done and done.

8. Hair- I got roots, man.  No time. 

9. Water- This is part of #3 so I won't beat a dead horse.

10. Decorate the Bedroom- Its as done as its gonna get for now.  I'm going to make a duvet cover sometime.  Maybe over fall break.

Oh, and just in case you've forgotten my child is adorable: